Dr. Leigh Weisz 8:11
They found that again, in the long term, this was good for children, good for parents, and even good for the economy. Years and years later, so experiences of Sweden, Iceland and other countries also show that the secret to keeping mothers in the workforce lies not in giving them just more time off, but in getting fathers more involved, getting fathers to stay home more instead. And for me, the take home of this study is it’s not, you know, just up to us as women to try harder in terms of, you know, going further up on the career ladder or doing better, or pulling, you know, pulling our bootstraps up. We need help with all the parenting responsibilities from fathers, from employers and other supportive people if we are really able to focus at work and continue at this pace. So even though those are wonderful long term kind of goals and things that policymakers need to think about. Tonight, I want to give you some six simple steps that you can start again, starting tomorrow. So number one, let go of the guilt. Okay, this female client that I spoke to you about, like most working moms, she suffered from tremendous guilt, the guilt that comes from missing out on time with our children, the guilt that comes from not performing our best at work because we have to leave early for the Playoff soccer game or a school play, my client felt so guilty about not being available for her children all the time that she really ended up overcompensating in other ways, at the expense of herself. For example, instead of, you know, snuggling for a few minutes after storytime at night as part of a bedtime routine, she snuggled with both kids, leaving dad out of this nice ritual, you know, not taking turns, and she would fall asleep in each child’s bed. And. And stay asleep in the second child’s bed, obviously, until we really processed this, she was totally unaware of how this was hurting her marriage, her own quality of sleep, and even her children’s quality of sleep, it wasn’t so healthy for them, either. But she just went through these motions every day because she felt so badly that night time was the only time she felt she could devote herself to her children, since she worked most of the day. So I helped her, and I would like to help you all to let go of the guilt. You can do this first by recognizing when it rears its ugly face, just label it as such, and then put it in its place. Imagine if you were talking with a good friend of yours who was beating herself up for not being available to her children all the time, you’d say, give yourself a break. You’re an amazing mom. You’re contributing to the world. You’re modeling to your daughter’s good work ethic, contributing to the financial stability of your family. And in addition, you’re managing somehow to make most bedtimes, many soccer games and so forth. Once my client identified her guilt, she made different choices. She snuggled with children before bed. Snuggling is good, but then she worked hard to change the habit they’d gotten into so she could actually have some more unwind time to herself and with her spouse. After the children went to sleep, she would make herself a hot tea, watch a half hour TV program, or sometimes just fall asleep with her husband and feel more connected overall in her marriage. Another piece of you know let go of your guilt is you need to be flexible about when family time happens. There are a ton of studies out there on family dinner and the importance of family dinner, lots of correlational outcomes, you know, less drug abuse, better grades, yada yada yada for kids. However, my client this again, the same woman felt so defeated because she couldn’t make it home in time for dinner every night, let alone cook. I told her, it doesn’t have to be family dinner, it can be family breakfast. And guess what, it doesn’t have to be homemade. Just plan and schedule in that quality time together, and don’t allow the guilt that it’s not homemade or whatnot to get in your way. Number two, step two, connect while away when you are aware that you’re missing an important event in your child’s life, try to find a creative way to connect with children during the day. You could have your sitter or the dad take a video of the chorus concert so you can watch it later together that night, or give her a personal note to read before an important test if she’s nervous. For young kids, there’s a great book called The kissing hand. Have any of you read this? Oh, it’s my favorite. Okay. It talks about how the kiss on the palm of a child’s hand will stay there forever, no matter if the child washes their hands and so forth. It’s a symbolic way of really showing your child you’re thinking about them and you’re there for them, even though you can’t be physically with them at every moment. Ask your sitter again to to send pictures of kids to you via text message once a day so you can see what they’re doing and feel connected, and later you can ask them about that activity. Another female client told me how powerful it was for her that when her kids came to visit her office one day and see where she worked, they loved that she had a picture of them sitting on the desk and one art project from the littler child that she had made because, again, it showed them that she obviously thought of them throughout her work. Day number three, unplug to allow for quality time. Rather than feel guilty about not being able to spend all day with your kids, make the time you have with them count by being truly, truly present. How many of us, if we’re really honest with ourselves, know we’re not being truly present with our kids when we’re checking our phones or our new texts or our new emails, children really feel the difference too, and they will feel more refueled by our time together when it’s really devoted to being present with them, and you moms will feel it too and harbor less guilt later, since you will have felt that you were the best mom in those moments. So to this end, set boundaries times your offline and unplugged. Number four, step four, add self care and get back to the basics. We tend to be caregivers. Women tend to be caregivers, taking care of everyone else around them, children, partners, friends, aging parents. But in order to do this effectively, we need to take better care of ourselves. This includes exercise which acts like an antidepressant in the brain or other things to refuel you the airplane model put on your oxygen mask first really applies here. The client I spoke to you about in the beginning was able to add exercise three times a week to her schedule, as well as a hobby she hadn’t allowed herself to do since high. School because she was so driven and the hobby didn’t really connect directly with her. You know, long term career goals. You may be wondering, well, how did she do that? There’s not enough time in the day. One thing she did was to ask her husband to choose one day a week where he could stay just one hour later in the morning until the nanny arrived, so that she could work out that morning. And once she started to engage in these activities, she realized they were almost like survival tools for her mental health. She could not go back. You may need to delegate a sitter to do grocery shopping or get groceries delivered so that you can spend that extra hour a week doing something just for you. In terms of getting back to the basics. What I mean by that is, remember to do all the things you basically know you should but don’t always do the things that your own mom or your doctor might tell you. So exercise, again, falls in that arena. Sleep six to nine hours a night. Eat, right. Avoid quick fixes like caffeine, nicotine, alcohol. In addition, add a breathing ritual like meditation, yoga, or even just a few deep breaths each morning to start your day or when you feel stressed, I have tape recorded a 62nd relaxation technique for clients so they can almost memorize the script and relax their bodies within one minute, once they’ve practiced this enough, but it’s a skill. At the end, I’ll go over this technique with you, and if you like it, I’m happy to send it to you. Number five, step five, remind yourself of reasons why you work in the first place, and then surround yourself with others who support your decision to work. Sometimes, like everyone, I’ll fantasize about quitting my job, my responsibilities and staying home, but then I remember the gains for me of being a working mom when you are at your most stressed. It’s important to remember why you work in the first place. Why do you do this? I focus on how I feel. I’m really a better mom when I have built in breaks, rather than being with the kids all day long seven days a week, I focus on how I can afford to send my children to camp or maybe the college of their choice one day. Because of financial contributions, I can also justify buying an expensive accessory, guilt free.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 17:15
I also remind myself I love what I do, and that I am modeling for my girls, that I do good for others, that I help others and make a difference in helping others with their problems, once you have sort of reminded yourself why you work in the first place, then surround yourself with support of others who understand how hard it can be to do what you do and really support your decision rather than judge. This group is a perfect example, and I’m so impressed that all of you recognize the importance of it and are here Step Six last, ask yourself, How can I make my work environment healthier for me, this is a little tricky, I know, and there may be more room for improvement in certain jobs than others, but there may be some room for improvement in terms of your work environment. And while not all jobs are as flexible as others, see what you can do to make your work environment work better for your life. Are your hours flexible? As long as you get the work done, could you work one day a week from home, less travel? Just when the kids are young, your needs will change as the family changes and kids get older and so forth, but advocating for what you need and what small changes may help you, it’s often worthwhile. Another client of mine, who’s a lawyer, traveled all the time, and she made a tough decision to change to a position with less travel. There may be trade offs for sure, and again, there’s no perfect decision. There’s losses at either end, but be open to your changing needs and do what’s best for you. So to sum up, here are six simple but powerful steps that you can take this week to decrease stress and to help you manage your work life balance dilemma. I’d like you to pick at least one to implement starting tomorrow. Number one, let go of the guilt. Number two, connect while away. Number three, unplug to allow quality time. Number four, add self care and get back to the basics. Number five, remind yourself why you work in the first place, and then surround yourself with supportive others. And number six, ask yourself, are there ways, or how can I make my work environment healthier for me, now that we’ve discussed all the things you should do that are overwhelming and may feel impossible, here is the 62nd relaxation exercise I promised. So before we begin, take a deep breath and I have a cold, but in through your nose and let it fall through your mouth with a sound or a sigh, and then close your eyes on your next deep inhale. Imagine any shade of green, green grass, sea foam, dark green, and breathe it in. In and as you exhale, imagine that the green air is chopping away all the tension in your body. Inhale, green and exhale. Let it chop away any tension in your neck, shoulders, belly, anywhere. Then take another deep inhale, this time using blue air. And as you exhale, let the blue, just like the ocean, wash away through your body, out through your fingers and out through your toes. Inhale, breathe in the blue and exhale, let your blue air wash away all your tension. And inhale this time The Color Purple, any shade, just like lavender aromatherapy, let the purple soothe your body with each exhale, inhale purple and exhale, soothe, and then, with your own time, your own rhythm, travel through these colors, letting their properties work their magic as you relax. So when you’re ready, you can open your eyes again if you’re interested in getting a text message with the six simple steps that I laid out for you tonight, so they’re saved on your phone as a daily reminder. I want you to take your phones out and you can text the word Balance. Tell me when you’re ready. It’s just one time. You won’t get bombarded by these things, I promise. So you’re gonna text the word Balance to the number 68398.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 21:47
So again, text the word balance to 68398, and then just hit send, and hopefully my voice will stay with you tomorrow as you try to implement At least one of these six steps, thank you.
Outro 22:10
Thank you for listening to The Coping Podcast. We’ll see you again next time, and be sure to click Subscribe to get future episodes and check out our podcast page at copingpartners.com.