Dr. Leigh Weisz 16:22
Right? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, very, very interesting. So in, I guess, I’m curious how the teenage girls find you? And what are some of the presenting? You know, in our, in our world, we called presenting problems or presenting symptoms, but what are the things that they’re calling you about?
Leslie Randolph 16:42
Yep. So my mom is always the call a guy has always to call teenage girls, you know, I’m very careful of, you know, I don’t mark it directly to teenage girls, I often say I, I’m the self confidence coach for teenage girls in the team that still exists in all of us, right? Because I think as you know, as I’m raising a daughter, and I’m, you know, I’m also raising a son, we can see from this different vantage point of like, I know what’s going on for her. So I think the the greatest symptoms, if you will, the presenting what I see is anxiety is doubt, which comes out through negative self talk, often, this kind of putting ourselves down, or holding ourselves to impossible standards. And then, you know, making ourselves not good enough, when we don’t meet them. And so that’s when Mom will call me. And it might also show up in her, you know, not reaching out to friends to make plans, feeling isolated socially, or struggling to struggling at school, because she’s not trying, or she is trying and she’s not getting there getting where she wants to be. So doubt and anxiety are usually the the Achilles heels.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 18:03
Sure, sure. No, that makes a lot of sense. And again, you know, as I said, kind of when I introduced you, there’s a lot out there, unfortunately, for teenage girls, I think specifically on social media that can really bring them down in terms of their self confidence. And so I think the work is really important, because I do think they’re at a disadvantage, right in today’s world the way they feel they think they should be a certain way. You know, the models out there are models of perfection that are unachievable.
Leslie Randolph 18:37
Really, yeah, yep. Yeah, a lot of a lot of shoulds. And a lot of, again, these unrealistic standards of what this ideal is. And as we again, that’s just a thought, that’s just a belief, that being the ideal, we have to challenge that. So yeah, body image is a very big one that I know, personally, and I have seen in my practice of, I will only feel I put it into categories, I will only feel self confidence. As soon as for I’m not enough. Well, I’m not athletic enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not pretty enough, I’m not skinny enough, fill in the blank, have enough, right? But as soon as, as soon as I’m skinny enough, as soon as I’m pretty enough, as soon as I make the team or get the grade, then I will feel self confident. And so where I really want everyone to start is self confidence is not something that we get externally. Right. I know again, when I was in high school, I thought self confidence was kind of this genetic lottery ticket that was reserved only for skinny pretty girls because that’s what I saw on TV. Right? That’s what I saw on magazines. And now this is what our our teens are getting flooded with. On social media.
Leslie Randolph 18:40
So the idea that they have to learn to love themselves, like unrelated to any achievement or look or outcome, but just inherent their inherent self worth
Leslie Randolph 20:12
100% I mean, we are all worthy, we are all enough, right? I often say like, You are the only you in this world, that alone makes you such a gift that makes you so worthy.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 20:29
And actually, you know, in terms of being worthy, I think of I’m working with some 20-somethings right, who are dating, and we talk about, are you? Do you feel worthy of love? Right? Because if they’re putting this kind of out there into the universe that I am not worthy of love, for various reasons in their pasts. they’re unlikely to attract someone who treats them a certain way. You know, and so that’s again, it comes from within first.
Leslie Randolph 20:57
Yeah, absolutely. I had a I had a wonderful therapist, but I was a child who talks about it as just like, if we think of humans as Swiss cheese or as cheese, there are a lot of us that are walking around a Swiss cheese looking for other people to fill our hole. Oh, but instead, it’s up to us to fill ours. So yes, 100% selflove is one of the cornerstones of self confidence, seeing the goodness and the gifts that you have, and only you have. But we often don’t train our brain to focus on that. But if we go back to where we started, have your thoughts or optional sentences in your brain, we need to flex that muscle of focusing on what is amazing about us what our gifts are, what our strengths are. Right.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 21:53
And so when you’re working with a teenage girl, I’m curious, like, I want to be a fly on the wall on one of these coaching sessions. And I’m curious, what are the strategies? Or the tools? Like? Are they filling out worksheets? Are they you know, crossing out their old thoughts and writing in a new thought? What kind of things do you do with them in terms of like concrete examples, just so we can kind of sink our teeth into what it looks like? Yep.
Leslie Randolph 22:17
So there are many tools. And I always say my coaching is not off the rack, it’s couture. And so and I know you’re probably the same, so I need everyone where they’re where they are. So obviously a teenage girl, or even you know, my college age clients, they’re not going to want to do homework, they’ve got enough of it. So we also want to just offer tools that are accessible at all times. So one of the things that I offer, majority of my clients is morning, mirror mantras, it’s as simple as putting a post it note on your mirror, with some beautiful deliberate beliefs that again, strengthen that muscle of training your brain to look for the good that is in you. And I sometimes, you know, offer like borrowed beliefs of what I can give them. But it’s really important that each client, because it is unique to them, comes up with their own. So even so, some of my teenagers and some of my clients at all ages and stages, something as simple as I matter. I am important, my best is good enough. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of my own love, it needs to create the same way you and I were talking about, we’re so intimately acquainted with what anxiety feels like in the body, what insecurity feels like in the body, what out feels like in the body, it needs to create a different vibration, one that almost bubbles up that confidence that bubbles up that love. So I encourage every client to have that on their mirror, because they’re gonna be there everyday brushing their teeth, their teeth. So look themselves that one and only you in the eye in the mirror and to say those words to her. It’s a really powerful experience. And it has to be something that they can believe, right.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 24:08
And I liked the borrowed belief idea, because I think when when people are doing this for the first time, it sometimes feels cheesy, as they’ll say, or it doesn’t feel genuine yet. Like they don’t really fully believe what they would like to eventually believe. But eventually they will if they continue to say it to themselves look themselves in the mirror in the eye, you know, and you know, make it a goal that they get to a place where they actually believe it. So sometimes I’ll use the phrase fake it till you make it in social situations. So even if you’re not feeling self confident, if you’re a teenage girl and you walk into a room like you know with your head down and your body language like this, you’re probably not going to feel that confident you’re not going to portray an air of confidence. Other people will respond to you in kind and so forth. And so even if you’re feeling like terrified inside You know, if you could put your shoulders back and your chin chin up high and kind of like walk out with a smile, you know, chances are, you’re gonna actually feel like, Yeah, I do got this right in a different way, and others will respond to you. So I love the phrase, I had not heard that before, but borrowed beliefs. Because sometimes when people are saying these mantras to themselves, they feel a little bit forced. But if you do it over and over, and that’s something you’re really working on, I do believe you can get to a point where you will actually own that, you know, for yourself 1,000%.
Leslie Randolph 25:29
So two things I want to add to that, because I fully agree. That’s why I use that bestie brain. Remember, it’s coming from your best view, right? That’s fine. Don’t say all those things about you. Oh, you don’t like channel her? Her? It is your bestie brain. That is the one saying that. And then for anyone who does struggle to believe, before we even get to morning mirror mantras, we have talked about the fact that your thoughts are optional sentences in your brain. So I will offer them ladder thoughts. So for the for the young girl that’s struggling with body image, and that being a barrier for self confidence, it is going to fall flat, or even feel false to look in the mirror and say I’m beautiful, right? She’s not there yet. And that’s fine. So let’s start where where we are, rather than saying I’m ugly, and no one will ever love me. We, I’m learning to believe I’m choosing to believe I’m open to believing just baby language up the ladder. And a lot of my teenage clients, I’ll say, so if I say, you know, Leigh, and you look yourself in the mirror and say I’m beautiful. No, I can’t say that right now. I don’t believe it, then don’t because self trust is also one of the cornerstones of self confidence. So we don’t want you saying something that doesn’t feel right. But a lot of my teenage clients will say, it feels good when I say I’m choosing to believe, because it reminds them that their thoughts are choices, right. And that is so empowering and powerful. To look in the mirror, I’m choosing to believe I am worthy. I am choosing to believe if again, will go to the body image, I am choosing to believe that all humans are beautiful. And I am a human. Even if we don’t want to get to sunshine and rainbows and you know, unicorns, fine. Start meet you and I that’s what I do. I mean,
Dr. Leigh Weisz 27:29
are they are yes, ugly or something? Just it’s totally self deflating. Yeah,
Leslie Randolph 27:34
Neutral will always be better, than self loathing or putting yourself down.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 27:41
Totally. Right. Okay, so. So you first start with kind of the psychoeducation and awareness of the thoughts that are getting in the way. It sounds like you give the teenagers some tools around kind of how do you start to change these thoughts and to change that narrative?
Leslie Randolph 27:58
Yeah, I’ll give you another one of my favorite ones, because it’s and your, your comment about being cheesy, I am cheesy.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 28:08
People all that I’m like, I don’t know if you’re gonna say this, but try it.
Leslie Randolph 28:12
I am cheesy. So when we notice a negative emotion, or we notice, you know, this lack of self confidence, like I want to raise my hand, I want to go up to this group of girls, I want to introduce myself to this person. But like, we’re, we’re going backwards away from it. So either we noticed the behavior or the feeling. I tell them to cha cha cha. You cannot say cha cha cha without giggling a little bit. Because then again, it’ll just take, it forces you to take a breath. I mean, the most powerful tool in our toolkit is breathing yet so many of us, including myself, forget to do it often. So you take a breath, you have a giggle, and you check in. What is it that I’m thinking? So you’ve now you felt the feeling in your body? You check in with what you’re thinking? And then you cha-cha, you challenge it? Is it true? Nine times out of 10 It’s not your brain is just believing it’s true. What if the opposite were true? Is there anything else that could be true in this moment? If it’s about going after a goal or taking an action? What’s the worst that can happen? Right? I know I know. It’s even you don’t even the moms are like why would you even entertain what the worst that could happen? Because the worst that can happen is often not that bad.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 29:32
It’s really as bad as people think it or imagine it to be it’s absolutely true.
Leslie Randolph 29:37
And the worst that could happen we’ve read talks about it is the same thing. Right? You’re gonna feel rejected, you’re gonna feel embarrassed, you’re gonna feel right and you move on you get you can you can cope with that. But then often the best that could happen. I could end up on that stage. I could meet this new friend. I could get the answer right in class to learn something and then And once you’ve challenged it, you choose something else to believe. Right? Now you can choose those latter thoughts of I’m choosing to believe this. Or you can go go all the way and say I can do it, I’m willing to try, I’m going to try.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 30:15
Someone once said something to me, like, if you never go up to bat, you know, you will never get a homerun right. Now, you may not get a homerun if you go up to bat, but you will never get a homerun if you never take the swing. So it’s this idea that like, yeah, why not try, right, at least I have a chance of achieving something that means something to me. And I’ll get better, right, with practice and so forth.
Leslie Randolph 30:37
Absolutely. I often say this reminds me of something that I said to many of my clients is, you know, the edge of the diving board is always going to be scarier than jumping. And you’re never going to learn to swim. Unless you do, right. But if we stand up there emotionally forecasting spending in our brain worst case scenarios, the edge is always going to be terrifying. And it goes sometimes, right?
Dr. Leigh Weisz 31:01
So lastly, in the groups that you’re when you’re working with teens, I was just gonna say, is it usually one on one coaching? Or sometimes in the context of the group? And what would you say, you know, are the kinds of key differences in terms of who would do better in a group versus who would do better individually?
Leslie Randolph 31:17
Yeah, so I have had the privilege of doing self love and self confidence workshops for more of our peers. I have not yet launched for teens. Okay, you’re on the lookout, because I do think one of the things that teens need to know more than anything, I think all of our teens are wondering, Am I normal? Am I okay? Right? Am I the only one feeling this way? And I think within that group setting, we are reminded that, no, you are a human experiencing the human condition. Right? And if I’m thinking it, if you’re thinking it, I can promise you there are so many other people thinking it. And there are, this might seem counterintuitive of everything else that I have said, but like there are no bad thoughts, there are no wrong thoughts, right, there are just choices that your brain is making, because your brain is trying to keep you safe. And I think in that group setting, we can be reminded of like, I’m not alone. And I do see and I in the groups that I have led with our contemporaries, the amount of love and support that comes from that. Not that they’re coaching each other. But they are cheering each other on, they are lovingly lifting each other up, or, and our teens need that. And, and unfortunately, mom, probably any moms that are listening knows, they don’t hear it from us, right?
Dr. Leigh Weisz 32:43
I was gonna say it sounds extra cheesy coming from the actual mom or dad, right? No matter what
Leslie Randolph 32:48
you there, you will be returned with an eye roll. And you have to say that you’re my mom, totally. But when again, a bestie is saying, you matter, you’re important. You’re amazing at this.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 33:02
Totally. What’s interesting about the group is that again, you know, it’s there’s pros and cons, I’m sure in terms of the teens, but whenever you’re in a group, if there is a person who’s a little bit less inclined to share, you know, and they’re just listening, they might hear their own automatic self talk, you know, their thoughts in someone else’s story and identify with it and almost be able to kind of like do their own work just from listening. Whereas I feel like, you know, if they’re a little bit reticent to engage, it’s it is harder, you know, so I think that could be almost a good, a good thing that comes out of the group. And then the support I was gonna say is just, it’s just really nice to know you’re not alone, and that there’s other people struggling with you, but also want to encourage you. But it sounds like with teens, you’re doing most of it, one on one, which is which is also great because they have more privacy and like attention to them. I was going to ask what what kind of things do you tell parents of these teen girls so that they can help at home to support what you’re working on?
Leslie Randolph 34:04
Yep. So I would often tell them to look out for the negative self talk like that is a place where you can interject of like, why would you say that about you? Like is that and the tread lightly. But you can use cha cha cha them? Is that true? Because from where I’m sitting, you know, give them your borrowed beliefs. Um, I think a lot of our parents with the best of intentions want to swoop in and be the superhero, especially if we see them struggling, right? We want to take away their pain. We want to take away their suffering, and the greatest gift that we can give our teens and obviously this is situational. So please know that is to let them figure it out for themselves by the greatest gift that we can give our teens is to let them fail and to think and to sit in that right To know that discomfort, because if we go back to that diving board, if they are so afraid of failing, they are never going to go after failure is a part of life. The same with anxiety. You know, when when anxiety becomes debilitating Yes, that is when we need to reach out to an expert like Leigh. But if it is situational anxiety, you need to let them experience it. I am a huge proponent for medical intervention, mental health support and medication when it’s needed. But the greatest tools are the ones that we have within because we always have access to them. So we need to learn how to manage our anxiety. And so that is a gift that we can give our team, it is so hard for a parent to just sit back. So the greatest gift we can give our kids is love. We love them. Right? We listen to them, right? We ask for permission of hey, do you want my advice right now? Or do you just want to vent? Right, nine times out of 10? They’re gonna want to just vent and you’re gonna have to bite your tongue? Absolutely. And then this, this might be a hard one to have we model behavior. I talked about this recently. You know, I, I am a self confidence coach. I eat sleep and breathe self confidence, right? Again, that does not mean I am immune to negative emotion. Because I am consistently doing things to cultivate confidence. That means I’m taking risks. That means I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. That means I’m doing things that I am scared to do and lovingly cheering myself on to do it. I talk to my kids about it. I talk to my kids about I’m doing this speaking engagement today, or I’m recording this podcast today. And I’m feeling really nervous. And I’m scared. And I hope it goes well. And I you know, I? I hope that I add value. And then I report back after I do it. Have you know what? went really well. If and when I’m feeling like I’m feeling really disappointed when I launched my first group, there were things that did go well, right.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 37:20
But even with even with that, that the moral is that I tried it, I will learn from it, you know, I still I still accomplish something, and I will continue, you know, to get better. But I’m proud of myself for putting myself out there. So there’s still a, there’s still a good message from sharing that experience. And you’re modeling for them that it’s normal that not every experience is going to feel like a success right off the bat.
Leslie Randolph 37:46
No life is not going to always be the guy. And it’s got to be the balance. And we have, we have the choice of how we talk to ourselves and treat ourselves in those difficult times. And that will also bolster or chip away at your self confidence. Right? So how we talk about ourselves, as parents will mirror to our children, how they talk about themselves. If you know you’re taking a selfie with your kids, you’re like, Oh, that looks terrible. Oh, I you know, I don’t I don’t like how I look. They’re gonna hear that. Absolutely. And so we model it for them as well.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 38:23
Absolutely no, I love that. I was thinking about with teenage girls, sometimes, you know, you’ll, you’re someone’s gossiping. Right? And, and then you find out that the parent was also gossiping. Right? And so it’s like, same thing like you’re, what are you modeling? It’s not that we have to be perfect in every, you know, every sense. But yeah, what kind of a person am I? And how is my daughter or my son? You know, looking at me matters. Yeah, yeah. And same thing with body image, like you said, with, you know, self talk, that there’s plenty of parents who are like, Oh, I look fat in this, you know, but is that something that you want your child to think about themselves?
Leslie Randolph 39:08
I just had talked to a fabulous body image coach who’s like, we’re not even getting in the photo of Oh, no, I don’t want my picture taken. Yeah, that says, I’m not worthy. look a certain way. Right, right.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 39:21
That is what we are up to date to be in the photo or something like that.
Leslie Randolph 39:24
Yeah, I do. I do a lot of my Instagram reels right after a workout. I am sweaty. My kids will tell you luckily for you guys who watch I smell terrible. I don’t sit there to go get dolled up. Right because my my message matters more than what I look like. Right? So they’re watching but I want to just say you know, there is no perfect mom. There is no perfect parent. There is no perfect team. We’re all just humans and works in progress. So when we make space for that, there’s just so much more compassion in our households and more room for love than the criticism?
Dr. Leigh Weisz 40:04
Absolutely. Absolutely. What are some of your favorite go to resources, Leslie, in terms of books, or you know, podcasts or YouTube channels or any sort of resources for parents about confidence?
Leslie Randolph 40:17
Yeah. So the the one that I would recommend for all parents to read, especially of teenagers is Untangled by Dr. Lisa Damour. Wonderful. She is wonderful. And I love the way that that book is broken down. Because it you know, and it’s very actually fitting for this conversation because a coach is not a therapist. I often say that I am a cheerleader, I am a mindset mirror. I am an accountability ally. But I do not treat and I do not diagnose. And so I love how her book is like this is when you should worry. Because your your teen or your 20-something might just need someone who’s cheering them on. That’s always no skin in their game, I don’t. I see their goodness and their gifts, because we’re all humans with goodness and gifts within us. But if we’re in that when to worry phase that is when you are such an incredible resource and ally for both the parents and for the client. So I love that for parents. One that I love for teens is The Confidence Code. That is another one. And of course, on the spot, I’m blanking on the author’s name, but she has one for for bigs, and one for littles. And so that might be a great one for just understanding confidence and also speaks to that idea of like, self confidence comes from your thinking, because it’s a feeling. But it also becomes the state of being. When you use that feeling of self confidence, to drive your action, and go raise your hand in class go out for the team, right? Go on the audition, right?
Dr. Leigh Weisz 40:20
Whatever it is, will follow suit. Yeah. So I love I haven’t read that I’m going to add it to my to my Audible account. But the Confidence Code sounds like a good one. Because I do think that some again, some teens start unfortunately to listen less to parents and more to peers, right. But, but some who love to read, you can kind of slip the book there, and they will actually eat it up. And they will want to work on this. But they may not again want to listen to a lecture from their parents about it. So this can be this can be helpful. And again, that’s where you come into that it it’s much easier to want to work on these things often with a with a neutral professional, you know, and not necessarily only with parents as much as parents want to give them their their kids that gift of self confidence. You know, teenagers are in a in a funky state where they are sometimes open and sometimes not.
Leslie Randolph 42:58
Right. And then on tinkled she speaks on that. So well. It said that she is claiming her independence. And that is really rather, you know, and I don’t know if you experienced this in your house, Leigh, my daughter she’s in. We were talking about her, you know, wanting to talk to somebody who are like, Well, why do you want to talk to somebody she’s like, I want to talk to somebody that’s not you know, like, but I watch. Often to me, stop coaching me. Oh my gosh. So I think that’s such an important feedback. And I tease about it. But you know, a parent’s job is to be a parent, right? Your job is to be their safe space, to be this endless source of unconditional love to love them at their worst. So that they know that they are still worthy of love at their worst, right? That you’re doing.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 43:57
As right as a parent just innately but yes, sometimes it sometimes kids and teens prefer to talk to someone neutral, about about these things, because parents will often rescue and say no, no, no, you are beautiful. No, no, no, you are the best, you know, and it’s if it’s not as believable for the child who’s struggling with these real feelings when it comes from mom or dad, that makes a lot of sense.
Leslie Randolph 44:20
Well, then if you go into a coach amount of like, well, why would you say that? It’s like, you agree?
Dr. Leigh Weisz 44:29
Totally No. Makes makes a lot of sense. So I’m wondering, Leslie, before we wrap up, first of all, if there’s any things that you are working on, that we should know about in your coaching practice, things coming up.
Leslie Randolph 44:43
Yeah. So I am doing a webinar that you know, this was kind of a just a brief overview of some of the work that I do, but I’m doing a nitty gritty of self confidence. It’s Yes, You Can: Self Confidence Simplified, and that’s taking place on Wednesday, July I 26 at 130. And I’m hoping to do a lot more of these because I want self confidence to, I call it self confidence, like confetti. I want it everywhere. Because I think we are all so worthy of loving and believing in ourselves, and living the lives that we want to live. That’s for our teens. And it’s for the humans that love those teams. It’s available to all of us. So that’s coming up on Wednesday, July 26. I am hoping to do a back to school sort of confidence boot camp for young ones. Just to get on your superhero cave to go back to school where you can be brave, awesome, confident and kind.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 45:42
For especially for kids and teens who are dreading the return to school and get extra anxious. You know, before that transition. That’s really tough time for most for most teens.
Leslie Randolph 45:53
Yep, this one’s gonna be for little.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 45:58
Littles who are, you know, loving school, great, but there’s a lot of littles who for various reasons are anxious about returning to school. So that’s wonderful. Yeah. And how would people find, like the details of how to register and things like that, for those for those webinars?
Leslie Randolph 46:13
Yep. So just come on over to confidencecoachforgirls.com. And if you get on my mailing list, you’ll get all the details about it. And I’ll be over on The Coach Chronicles on Instagram and Facebook plugging that as well. So you can find me there.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 46:30
Perfect. And again, I want to thank you for coming onto the show. But I was gonna say any last minute tidbits for our parent audience.
Leslie Randolph 46:39
And just to remind for, for our parents, you are worthy of love, you’re doing great. And to know that you can always choose to love and believe in you. And when you do, you’re modeling it for the little ones and the big little ones in your house. Self confidence is a choice. It’s not that genetic. You know, right. Lottery Ticket, you don’t, right? Yeah. It’s a choice you make when you choose to think highly of you. When you choose to believe in you and you allow that to fuel you to go after the life that you want whatever that looks like. And we all deserve that we all deserve to live a life we love.
Dr. Leigh Weisz 47:20
Wow, that is a wonderful closing nugget. I love it. Thank you, Leslie for everything and everyone who’s listening. Please check out more episodes of our podcast, go to copingpartners.com and click on podcast and articles. And as always, thank you so much for tuning in.
Outro 47:39
Thank you for listening to The Coping Podcast. We’ll see you again next time and be sure to click Subscribe to get future episodes and check out our podcast page at copingpartners.com